Keeping it in the Family

For those who don't know, my Aunt Margaret and cousin Janissa are also bariatric patients.  I am sitting here in the hospital with Janissa tonight, she is out of surgery and doing well.  Margaret had her surgery last month.  So we are all support for each other and should all be fabulous and thin by next Christmas.

I've been reflecting on some things and thought I should write them down so I don't forget when looking back.

1. Eating too fast will in fact make you throw up.  This doesn't mean you can now have more food.  Too much food will also make you throw up.
2. Drinking with a meal will make you feel bloated and want to make yourself throw up.  If you make yourself throw up, people will think you are bulimic.
3. Giving your dog your left overs will make him fat and cause him to lose interest in his own food. 
4. Walking is a lot more enjoyable if you go with a friend instead of your dog who really only likes to chase squirrels and is completely burdened by your slowness of step.
5. Weight loss apparently begins in the face, neck, breasts and feet.  So don't expect your butt, thighs, stomach, hips, or bat wing arms to miraculously shrink like your boobs do.

And finally:

If you do not follow the plan, you can in fact, gain weight.  If this happens, refer to #2 for remedy.

I've Lost My Age

Yep...I am now 44 pounds lighter than when I started this journey.  Very exciting to say I have lost my age!  Hopefully when I turn 45 next year in July I can say I have lost 100 pounds!

Just an update on the doctor appointment.  Still off all diabetes meds and blood sugars remain under 120 consistently, so effectively I no longer have diabetes!  A huge win...thank you Lord!

I've also lost 1.5" in my waist and a whopping 4" in my hips.  This totally explains why the underwear keeps falling off...yes I am going shopping for new ones, I'm not ready to go "commando"!

And Today's Number Is...

40! Actually 40.4 to be exact.  This was the goal I had set for myself before returning to the doctor tomorrow for my one month post-op check up.  So excited that I made it to this goal.  It is actually getting easier and easier. 

A New High

Today's weigh in showed a total loss of 34 pounds.  I was so shocked I had to weigh twice to be sure and it was exactly the same a few minutes later.

I'd like to think it was my structured eating at Thanksgiving (which I totally enjoyed with my aunts and our families) or my hours of shopping and standing in line on Black Friday.

Truthfully, it might be because I got a hair cut last night.  If that's the case, I might be shaving it all soon...of course I'll call it a tribute to my Aunt Sandra (who is battling breast cancer). 

Let's see if I can get to 40 by Monday when I return for my one month check-up.

Finally!

Today I hit 25 pounds lost.  Seems I had been stuck on 24 for what seemed like forever.  I was so happy...that I ended up exercising even more than normal, so maybe that means more weight gone by next week.

Andrew had his first basketball practice today and I decided that rather than sit and watch him from the bleachers, I would actually walk the track outside.  It seemed to stretch on forever and while it ends where it begins, there is much twisting and turning and several hills.  I braved it anyway, knowing Thanksgiving is coming up and I'll be seeing family for the first time and I want them to see a difference.  Anyway, I made it around the gym, two soccer fields, three baseball fields and two tennis courts.  I have no idea how far that actually was, but I was very proud of myself for finishing it.

Then we got home and I decided I would walk Rosco too.  So I went around the whole block with him today, not just our street.  It was hard containing him while so many squirrels ran free, but we made it, and he even stopped when I told him to for passing cars, or for me to catch my breath.  So exciting to actually make the walk. 

Of course now my knee is screaming in pain and I can barely get off the couch, but that's okay because I got a shake weight and I can sit down for that while I work out my arms.  As goofy as this thing looked on TV I had to have one.  The claim that you'll see a difference in only 6 minutes a day has to be true, because after only 1 minute my arms are burning.  I haven't made 6 minutes yet, but I'll get there.

So today was a great day...two walks, a shake weight workout and 25 pounds lighter.  I feel great!

Weighing In

Finally got a scale for home so I can weigh whenever I want.  Before my surgery I would avoid scales the same way I avoid brussel sprouts.  But now I don't mind getting on the scale because each time it is less than the last time.

So far....23 pounds gone!

The Weekend

On Saturday, to thank my friend Anne-Marie for being my support person, I treated us to lunch and a movie.  We went to the AMC Fork & Screen theater where you can order food and watch a movie.  We saw "The Ides of March", which is an excellent political thriller, and dined on potato skins and cheese sticks. She also had a salad and a cheeseburger and we took most of it home to her boyfriend as neither of us could eat all we had ordered.

Sunday, after watching my victorious Falcons, I had to run to the pet store for some puppy pads and then decided to head over to Discover Mills to shop.  So I parked, walked into the mall, went to the Levi's store, then Eddie Bauer where I got Andrew some jeans (which he disliked) and a shirt (which he did like).  Then I walked back around the mall to the Bath and Body Works store where I stocked up on Moonlight Path.  I'll definitely be smelling good when I return to work tomorrow.

Here is the best thing...I walked 45 minutes total in the mall, without sitting down once!  And when I got home and relaxed, I was still able to get right up without my back hurting.  My knee hurts of course, but I my back is holding up well.  I'm so excited that walking is not so painful. Rosco's pretty happy about it too, although he was probably more happy that I couldn't finish the bowl of soup I had for dinner and he was the beneficiary of the remainder.

So excited to get back to work tomorrow!

The Egg

Well finally, I made it to the day I get to eat an egg.  Yes, one week post-op and I can finally have something other than liquids.  The egg was careful removed from the crate and placed in the pot.  The burner turned on high.  The pot of water filled to just the top of the egg and placed on the burner.  Ten minutes later the egg sat resting on the stove top.  I'm not sure if that was my lips smacking or Rosco's, but no way I was sharing this with him.  A few treats and he is back in his crate and I am cracking a hard boiled egg.

I sliced it and put a small amount in my mouth.  It was heavenly.  I think angels might have been singing, or maybe that was my stomach rumbling its thanks.  In any event, it was the most glorious egg I had ever eaten.

After my visit to the doctor where I was cleared for soft pureed foods, I had chicken salad for dinner.  It was likely the best food I have ever eaten. 

So to answer the age old question of which came first the chicken or the egg...I still don't know, since I ate them both, and it was divine.

Some Wow Moments!

I can't believe I forgot to mention this in my previous post - but here is a WOW moment for me:

I am no longer taking medication to control diabetes!  That's right, my blood sugar is completely under control since surgery. 

Other WOW moments:

I've also finished my writing class, which I made A's on all quizzes and the final, plus my short story piece got very nice reviews from collegues and the instructor.

Rosco and I walked today and it was the first time we have walked that route and I haven't come inside and needed to immediately sit down to catch my breath.

I wake up happy each day, knowing I am on the road to weight loss.  Look out 200 pounds, I'll be crashing your door down soon enough!

Surgery is Done!

Well, it's now Friday night/Saturday morning and I am home from the hospital and recuperating.  Surgery went very well. When I got on the scale the final time before surgery I had lost a total of 17 pounds since starting liquids.  That's pretty good for 4 weeks I reckon.

The last thing I remember about the surgery room is them telling me they were going to give me the anesthesia. OK...boom...I was out.  I remember waking up in recovery and felt like I was fighting to take a breath.  I needed my glasses, finally they got them for me and I was good to go. Then the next thing I remember is feeling like someone had left a pile of bricks on my chest.  And I couldn't say much because my mouth was so dry I couldn't form words.  The old saying "cottonmouth" didn't seem to do it justice, I was sure there was enough "cotton" to keep a southern estate in business for at least another decade.

When I got to my room, my Aunt Becky and Uncle Mike were there along with my BF, Anne-Marie.  I barely remember saying much because I was so out of it.  Everyone let me sleep and sleep I did.

That evening I got up and walked the halls, two times, yeah!  I had trouble sleeping in the bed between the sweating and my back so I ended up sleeping in the chair, which was wonderful.  I never got more than an hour at a time since they came in all night to check blood pressure, temperature, blood sugar, and give me Heparin (a blood thinner) so I wouldn't get clots.

Friday I was feeling much better and able to move around.  Still very sore and tired but the cottonmouth was improving long with the sore throat from having the breathing tube in during the surgery.

I'm going on back to sleep now, thanks to everyone for their support!

Tomorrow is the Day!

Well I have finally made it to the day before surgery.  I am so excited I can barely stand it.  Work was a bit rough trying to make sure I had everything covered before going out on leave. Plus, I have to do my lesson today for the on-line writing class I have been taking and make sure I have a nice clean house to come home too.  So much to do.

Anyway, I am up to 16.5 pounds lost since starting the liquids.  I was hoping for more but it is what it is.  Hopefully there won't be any complications and they can maneuver around my liver.

Originally I was scheduled to be there at 7:45 but they changed it today and now I have to be there at 6:00 a.m.  Anne-Marie wasn't very excited either cause that means a 5:30 a.m. pick up time to be sure I get there timely.  Oh well, she can sleep there.  Surgery starts at 7:30 and I hope to be in recovery by 9:00.

I've had great support from everyone including family, friends and co-workers.  I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people.  Thank you everyone.  I'll post updates on how I am doing as soon as I can.

Pre-Op Appointment

It's only 10 more days until my surgery, which means today I saw the doctor and the surgery team for my pre-op visit/clearance.  First up, what else height and weight.  I knew I had lost some weight just from all the liquids but I wasn't prepared for the 12.2 pounds I had lost.  How exciting is that?!?  Even better, I grew an inch coming in at 5'7" now. 

I was elated to get this news and just knew I was going to have a great day.  So after meeting with the doctor, getting my picture made and signing all the consents I went to have lunch with my Aunt Margaret, who also there for her appointment.  It was a nice surprise to see her.  We had Chinese so she could eat normal and I could have a broth soup.

Then back to the hospital for the surgical interview portion of the program.  This is where you get poked and prodded.  Apparently I was going to get poked and prodded more than the normal folks.  I had to fill up 5 vials of blood, pee in a cup, and talk with the anesthesiologist.  Hoping I was done I learned I then had to go over to the outpatient center for a chest x-ray and ABG (blood gas).  Goodness, it was 4:00 when I got over there. 

They decided to do the blood gas first and so started with my left wrist.  After poking around it for 5 minutes and not hitting the artery she moved to my right wrist.  When that still didn't work she moved back to the inside of my left elbow.  OUCH is the word of the day.  These sticks hurt cause they are deep.  Finally she got it and then sent me on for my chest x-ray which took less time to snap than it did for me to change into the gown.

I finally finished at 5:30 with everything done and ready to go.  Plus, I lost 12.2 pounds!!!

Liquid Only - Day 3

OK, day three and I haven't died yet.  Maybe I can do this.  I even passed a true test today.  I went to Sam's Club.

Andrew had originally said he would do the liquid only with me at dinner, but he has balked on that every day opting for peanut butter sandwiches instead.  Fine, at least there is no cooking in the house and he isn't asking me to go get him a burger.  But he is out of peanut butter now and we needed more bread and I wanted some more of those Fuze drinks.  So off I went.

I told myself all the way there, no matter what was on sale, stick to the list.  Avoid the urge to buy whatever you see, because after all I am hungry.  Don't browse, get in and get out.  No taste testing whatever they are heating up.  I repeated this to myself all the way into the store.

I got the bread, the White Cheddar Cheeze-Its, and some cashews for Andrew, all while practicing my "no thank-you" to all the offers of those wanting me to try whatever they had made.  Of course all the candy was on sale for Halloween so I bought what I don't like and therefore won't eat, while quietly avoiding the apple and caramel dipping station.  I got my Fuze water and found some muffins Andrew likes, skating by the Red Baron pizza table, which smelled delicious.  Then I threw a 12 pack of sugar-free gum in my cart and raced to the check-out.

I was back in my car barely 20 minutes after entering the store and most of that time was spent in the checkout.  I felt great for avoiding temptation and my wallet was relieved as well when I left the store.  Not sure I have ever spent less than $100 in Sam's but today I did and it was fabulous!  Sadly I forgot the peanut butter so I have to go to the regular grocery tomorrow.  Dammit!

Liquid Only - Day 1

So today marks two weeks until my surgery which is great, but it also means I start the all liquid diet, which is not so great.  Here's how the day went...

Breakfast- mix up a shake, no problem, been doing this for two weeks already, got breakfast down pat.

Get to the office and about noon Anne-Marie says she is ready for lunch.  She brought hers and of course I had my shake but neither of us wanted to go in the break room and it was raining outside.  So we sat at my desk and chit chatted.  She had a deviled ham sandwich, it smelled amazing.  I was tempted, guess that's the devil in the ham.  She also had a Pringles - ugh a trigger food for me - but I keep it under control.  Then for dessert not only did she have nutter butters, she also had Reese's pieces.  At this point, I really think she is trying to kill me.  Not her fault really, the boyfriend packed her lunch.  I drink my shake, all happy like that, and then chase it with my sugar free crystal light peach tea.  Funny, neither of those taste like a deviled ham sandwich and Pringles.

By 2:30 my head is pounding and my blood sugar is dropping.  I'm not gonna make it.  This sucks.  I make a call and learn I can have a handful of crackers.  Thank goodness Monica has some wheat thins.  I get those, 16 crackers = 140 calories.  I eat them slowly, pretending they are Fillet Mignon, but they still tasted like wheat thins.  Oh well, soon the headache subsides.

I work until 6:30 and as I am leaving I spy the Taco Bell in our parking lot.  Ugh, why am I always thinking about food...oh yeah cause I can't have any!  I think, I could grab a couple of soft tacos, eat them in the car and tell no one.  But then I remember how hard it was to quit smoking and that I had to do it one day at a time.  So I manage to steer my car past Taco Bell without stopping.  I pop a piece of gum in my mouth thinking maybe I just want to chew.  That does the trick for a bit.

I'm home now and just mixed up my evening shake.  It's chocolate flavored and I'm hoping that when I am done with these two weeks, I'll never want chocolate again.

Maybe tomorrow will be easier.

Let There Be Liquid

Well, I'm 5 days into my modified liquid diet now and I'm still alive.  Despite my prediction I would die without diet coke every day of my life, I've managed NOT to have one for 4 of the last 5 days.  That's a significant accomplishment.  I also have another small victory I would like to report.

This past weekend was the Cotton Pickin' Fair in Gay, Georgia.  Yes, Georgia natives, and those who are transplants, there is a city in Georgia called Gay and yes, most of the folks are happy and heterosexual.  I used to call it the Gay Fair but whenever I'd ask a friend to go with me, I'd get strange looks.  Even stranger looks from my kids.  When I asked Andrew about going to the Cotton Pickin' Fair he said he "didn't want to pick any cotton".  Duh, it's a craft fair.  That was a stupid comment from me, because that was the same as calling it a gay fair, he wasn't interested.  Fortunately AMS was interested and we met there. 

As I approached the fair I sat in traffic for 1.5 hours and went 2 miles.  Good grief.  After parking (which was at least free) I walked and met AMS and her boyfriend (our pack mule) at the gate.  I could already smell the food.  This was going to be hard.  Bloomin' Onions, cotton candy, grilled corn, BBQ, corn dogs, well you get the picture.  Then there were even vendors selling fudge, nuts, spices, etc. and of course they all had "free samples".  I am happy to report I resisted all the temptation and had NONE of the samples, no corn dog and for my meal that day I had the BBQ plate which was a scoop of delicious smokey pulled pork and some Brunswick stew.  I even drank water - no diet coke.

So yes, I can do this.  I don't have to eat everything available and I can survive on water.  If it's cold enough, I can even drink it happily.

Let the Countdown Begin

Well, surgery is less than 5 weeks away now.  This Thursday, the 29th, it will only be 4 weeks away and time for me to start the liquid diet.  I've already been drinking the protein shakes for breakfast so I already know how they taste.  Imaging Carnation Instant Breakfast meets chalk.  OK really they aren't that bad, of course I've only had 1 a day for 5 days.  We'll see how I am doing when I am drinking 2 a day and eating only one meal and then drinking 5 a day with no other meals.  This should be interesting.

Some things I have learned about my eating habits via my journal.  I've been following the Why D.I.E.T.? method which is Why Do I Eat This?  I've learned that I am quite lazy when it comes to food.  But even more interesting to me is why I eat at all.  I'm rarely actually hungry, because I never let myself get hungry.  I eat quite often, even if I "think" it isn't that much.  For instance...in the past I usually skipped breakfast because I enjoy sleeping more and fixing breakfast was the easiest thing to skip (the folks in the office prefer I shower over eat).  So when I finally roll into the office and think about how good I was to "skip" a meal, I'd grad a bag of chips, pack of crackers, a mini candy bar, whatever.  Each of those probably had more calories than a bowl of grits or even a slice of toast with butter.  Then at 11:30 I was "starving" but that was head hunger, not actual stomach hunger.  I was ready to leave the office and have a bitch session with my girlfriend(s).  We'd usually get an appetizer and then each an entree.  Every so often we'd have dessert or go by the bakery on the way back to the office.  Then later in the afternoon I'd again "think" I needed a pick me up, so bag of chips, pack of crackers, or candy bar (only now full size was appropriate - I mean I had to get through the rest of the day and snickers really satisfies you!).  Then comes the lazy...I had worked all day and just couldn't be bothered to cook dinner for Andrew and myself.  So Taco Bell, KFC, Burger King and Zaxby's are all on my way home and they all have drive thrus...I don't even have to get out of the car. 

Most of those habits are changing now.  I'm having breakfast now - a shake.  I'm not mid-morning snacking.  We still have lunch out, but AMS (Anne-Marie Spalinger) has agreed to skip appetizers and even split lunches once I have my surgery, saving us both calories and money!  No more bakery now and no afternoon snacks.  I'll skip drive thrus and go home and cook...or on the days I am in the office Andrew cooks and they days I work from home I cook.  It's been a good trade off and I find that it is a time for Andrew and I to talk about our days.  He's really growing up into a fine young man.  It makes me miss my mom, she'd really be proud of him right now...and maybe even me!

Great News x 2

So I have two pieces of news to share.  Both are equally exciting for me so not sure how I should rate them.  I suppose since this blog is about my journey I should note that I finally have a surgery date and that's the most exciting!

That's right, mark your calendar - Thursday, October 27th.  Even better they have modified the pre-surgery diet and so it will only be four total weeks instead of six.  The first two are two liquid meals and one normal healthy low calorie meal.  Then the last two weeks, just before surgery, are liquid only.  Considering the pressures and stress of my job lately, I wonder if the liquid diet includes margaritas and martinis.  If so, I'd rather it be six weeks!

Speaking of work, the second big and exciting news is that I am finally a published author.  While I know this blog is technically published, and brilliant as it is (ha ha), I think my article in the NAHAM Access Management Journal actually qualifies as a true publication.  I'm really proud it was selected for publication and since you aren't likely to pick it up at the newstand I feel like I need to toot my own horn.

Anyway, that's about all for now...oh wait, one funny thing...I told Dr. Vicknair about the convenience store (last post).  He thought it was great that I went to the "crack" house and came out clean.  I did relapse and return for some diet coke a few days later, but at least I am admitting my problem, which is step #1.  When I get to whatever step is apologizing to folks you have hurt, I'll post my apology to those of you suffering through this blog.

The Convenience Store

I live just off a major road so the Shell is less than 1/2  a mile from my house.  This convenience store has been my little haven for the past 6 years.  I could purchase anything, from cigarettes to candy to diet cokes and not have to answer to anyone.  They barely spoke English so I never felt the need to explain myself.  I was a regular and probably one of their favorite customer since my diet coke and candy habit along with cigarettes and the occasional gas purchase were clearly keeping them in business.

Several weeks ago they had a special that was 5 12-packs of soda for $14.  I haven't fully kicked the diet coke habit and of course Matt and Andrew still like soda.  So I thought I would get some for all of us at this price.  When I took my selection to the counter the man, in very broken English, said the 5 for $14 was only for Coke, no other sodas.  He told me the Diet Coke would be $1 more per 12-pack.  So I left without buying anything and I haven't been back.

Yesterday, as I was cooking dinner, I realized I didn't have any milk.  At the same time Andrew was asking for batteries for the wireless keyboard and mouse for the Mac.  Ugh, I was going to have to go to the store, with dinner already on the stove.  So I decided I'd just run to the Shell, it is after all a convenience store and I needed the convenience.

Here's where I got tickled.  I walked in and immediately got the "Hello" from the owner who was there.  I got the milk and batteries and went to the counter.  The owner told me the diet cokes were part of the sale which was now 2 for $5.99.  I said I didn't need any.  He asked if I was sure.  Yes.  Next he asked if I wanted cigarettes.  When I answered that I quit he said "Oh".  Then he said "You need candy?". Nope, not today.  So I guess my $10 purchase of milk and batteries (which would probably have only been $5 at Kroger) wasn't going to pay his rent this month.  He asked again about Diet Coke and I said no, and pointed to the other man behind the counter and advised he had told me it was $1 more per 12-pack last time I wanted to buy some.

So I took my milk and batteries and headed to the car.  As soon as I got in the car and before I could close my door the owner was by my side.  He wanted to apologize and explain that he had run out of Diet Coke a few weeks back and had to purchase from another store at a higher price and thus the reason it was excluded.  And again he asked if I was sure I didn't want any.  No, not this time was my continued answer.  He said okay and let me know he had advised his employees I was to get the Diet Coke at the same price as other soda all the time because I am such a good customer.  This made me smile and feel guilty all at the same time.

I wonder if I will be responsible for further economic anomolies when I stop purchasing Diet Coke all together.  I've already stopped buying cigarettes and candy.  This business will clearly suffer and I worry Coke may have to downsize without my financial contribution.  If you own stock in Coca-Cola you might want to consider selling as I can assure you the sales in Duluth, Georgia are going to seriously decline after my surgery.

Heart Trouble

In order for my primary care physician to clear me for surgery he wanted to ensure that from a cardiac standpoint I had no issues.  Good idea I thought, so he did the EKG in his office.  It was a slightly abnormal so he sent me for a stress test at the hospital.  I had the stress test two weeks ago and it came back with a slight abnormality as well.  The verbiage read "moderate sized minor defect of the anterior wall".  Of course my eyes saw all the words but my brain focused on moderate size and defect.  So my doctor said he would refer me to a Cardiologist for further evaluation but not to worry.

So my appointment was scheduled for today - two weeks after the stress test report.  I've spent the last two weeks working and living as normal.  Visiting the good psychologist and the nutritionist, lost three pounds, and got Andrew and Matt both starting back to school.

But this past Wednesday I had a good scare.  Woke up with some chest pain.  Right in the center of my chest and it was achy and I even felt it in my back.  I took some Advil and started working (was working from home this day).  The pain never really went away even after I ate, showered, and walked Rosco.  When it was still there after dinner I started thinking about the "moderate sized minor defect" and my brain went into overdrive.  I had talked to Chris the night before and told him I felt fine and he said something like, that's what everyone says before they have a heart attack.  And the truth was I felt fine up until Wednesday.

So at 9:00 p.m. with my chest still hurting, my brain in overdrive and my worry that if something happened during the night Andrew would be the one to find me, I headed to the ER.  One of the benefits of working at the hospital is I can tell Andrew I am going to the hospital and he just assumes I am working.  I decided no need to scare or worry him if I was just overreacting.

Of course when you say chest pain at the ED they whisk you back for a stat EKG.  That was ok but some lab work came back with elevated levels.  So they told me to get comfortable because they were calling the on call cardiologist and I wasn't going anywhere.  Had a chest x-ray, CAT scan and more blood work.  Once the Cardiologist talked to me, looked over the labs and took my history, he decided the safest thing was to have a cardiac cath done, especially since I was looking to have major surgery.

So from the ED I went to the 4th floor in the Duluth hospital and then at 9:00 a.m. they sent me over to the Lawrenceville Hospital via ambulance.  Straight into the cath lab I went and they started prepping me.  If you don't know how this procedure is done, they go in to your artery via the groin and run the catheter to your heart then shoot some dye in and look for clots.  That meant part of the prep was a "bikini shave".  Yeah I was super excited about that.

Then the best part was when one the techs came and talked to me and said I was going to go next and this is what he was going to do...in order to give the best access to the groin he goes in and "tapes up" the stomach.  He said he was going to be giving me a tummy tuck and I asked him to leave the tape on.  He thought that was funny, I thought it was a good start to seeing how I could look with a smaller stomach.

Anyway, when the cardiologist came out to talk to me and answer any questions before going back he said they were having a lot of success by going through the wrist instead of the groin if I would prefer that.  It would certainly be easier to deal with and as long as I had a strong pulse in my wrist it wouldn't be a problem.  So I agreed to let them do my wrist which meant I had been shaved for no reason and wasn't going to get the tummy tuck.  Good news, no one else was going to be seeing me below the waist.

Of course, having heart trouble and being female means giving up any modesty regarding your breasts.  I'm pretty sure at least 10 different people touched my boobs, mostly moving them out of way for electrodes, and not one of them bought me dinner or took me to a movie.  They didn't bring me flowers, send a card, or even sing me a love song.  Lucky for them I was just excited my boobs got some attention.

Turns out I have a 20% blockage in an artery.  The good news is it is not significant enough for intervention such as a stint or angioplasty but I do need to pay attention to my diet and of course exercise more.  These are things I can do - especially with the surgery.

The best part - they cleared me for surgery...so hopefully I'll get that scheduled soon!

Why Skinny Girls are Bitchy

Ok, having experienced the diet of a "petite" woman this past week I know why skinny girls are so bitchy.  They are hungry.  If someone would just feed them, or they would eat, we'd all be happier.  I mean really, if there weren't any "skinny" girls there would be no way to measure against the "fat" girls.  Kinda like a grading curve in school, we just need a weight curve.  I mean curves = sexy body right, so that's my new argument.

Anyway...here's a normal diet as recommended by my nutrionist:
Breakfast
1/2 cup grits (no salt, no butter)
1 cup skim milk
1 1/4 cups watermelon

Lunch
3 oz Turkey
2 slices whole wheat bread
2 Tbsp light mayo
1 slice cheese
Light Yogurt
Cucumber slices
Raw broccoli

Dinner
3 oz hamburger patty, grilled/broiled (not fried)
1 cup potatos
celery, carrots, onions to season

My dog, Rosco, eats more than that in a day.  I realize most people don't eat as much as me but is it ironic that I am eating like a bird and live in Cardinal Lake, on Robin Lane, which is off Meadowlark Lane?  I think I need to move to a subdivison called Carb Village and live in the cul-de-sac off Bread Alley which connects to Pasta Avenue.  I know I'll live there one day...it's called Heaven.

Anger Management

I've been talking with my psychologist (the good doctor) about issues that trigger my anger. Turns out that anger is really the secondary emotion and what I am really feeling is more like disappointment, isolation, inequalities, vulnerability, etc.  It was really eye opening.  There are also varying degrees of anger ranging from annoyance, irritation, mad, aggitated, irate to rage.

Of course my favorite part of the conversation is when he asked how I dealt with it.  I said I usually handle it one of two ways.  I either snap and yell, especially if with my children...or I become very sarcastic.  Sometimes the sarcasm is in response to the stupidity I deal with at work and sometimes it's just to poke fun.  I told him I really felt like sarcasm was my spiritual gift, but that it was just left out of the Bible passage.  He thought that was funny, I thought it was honest.

So I thought it would be good to keep an anger journal along with my food journal.  So here's what's happened this week:
Monday - Annoyed that my supposed backup didn't invite me to an important meeting at work.
Tuesday - Irritated that Andrew had not unloaded the dishwasher or done his share of kitchen duties for the week.
Wedensday - Annoyed that I have misplaced my ATM card.
Thursday - Mad that a project manager in my office scheduled me for testing on Monday when the equipment won't be delivered until Tuesday?  I mean really...does he think I am just going to test the air flow of the room?  Who can't read a calendar?  Worse yet, I had to point out to him that his scheduling made no sense. 

Ah, see how my level of anger turned into sarcasm when it got higher up the scale?  Interesting isn't it?

As for my eating journal...well that's another post.

CPAP

Today I got my CPAP machine.  If you don't know what it stands for, it is Continuous Positive Airway Pressure.  Basically it helps me breathe while sleeping so I don't actually stop breathing.  I'm so stinking excited about this machine.  The Respiratory Therapist, Amy, who came to the house to deliver the equipment and instruct me on use and cleaning is one of the sweetest people I have ever met.  She reminds me of my friend, Sheila Hall, because when they are talking to you they are genuinely interested in what you are saying.

Anyway, this machine will help with my breathing which in turn should help with my sleeping.  I can't imagine a whole night of sleep, it's been so long since I slept through the whole night.  I can hardly wait to strap this hideous mask to my face and close my eyes.  Oh yeah, forgot to mention, this is something I NEVER want people to see me wearing.  It's all Hannibal Lecter looking.

Anyway, if I don't answer my phone, work well into the night, or play my face book games after midnight, you'll know I am sound asleep.

My Heart is Tested

Had to go to my primary care physician today for what I thought was just a regular check-up and diabetes medication refill.  Turns out they decided to do an EKG prior to "officially" clearing me for surgery.    So while I wasn't really planning on it, they said they could do it right then.  OK, so naked from the waist up I was and after like 10 sensors were placed on me, the printout came and all looked fine...or so I thought.

Seems the room I was in had some major interference from the elevator on the other side of the wall and the test would have to be repeated.  Of course I found this out after I was already dressed.  So I was whisked off to another room stripped and had new sensors put on again.  The test runs and again and I get dressed.

Then the doctor comes back and says it looks okay but she is going to have the "senior" doctor look it over  just to be certain, but everything looks fine to her.  Yeah!

Then she does something not many doctors do anymore.  She doesn't shake my hand, she hugs me.  A full on hug, not timid or shy, but a sincere hug.  She says she is excited for me and really proud I am taking this step and can't wait to see how much better I am going to feel.

I love her.

Setting Goals

Time for me to start imaging a life with a thinner version of myself. So what would I do if I was healthier? Here's my top ten, but in no particular order:

1. Fly to London to see my nephew (and brother and sister-in-law too) without needing the "extra" seatbelt and fitting comfortably in just one seat.


2. Ride a roller coaster - over and over and over. I haven't ridden one since Matt was in 6th grade. That was 2003.


3. Take my blood pressure at the pharmacy on one of those machines, just because I can.


4. Wear sleeveless shirts, capri pants and sandals.


5. Shop in a "normal" woman's store, no more plus size stores.


6. Walk up Stone Mountain. I haven't done this since I was in high school and that was, well 26 years ago.


7. Speaking of high school, attend my next high-school reunion.


8. Go dancing with some friends at a swanky club.


9. Visit two of my dearest friends in Texas, Jana and Cheryl.


10. Allow people to take pictures of me.

If anyone else has some fun ideas let me know...Hopefully soon I'll be up for anything!

Support Group

Went to my first support group tonight. You know how there is always one person in every crowd that is just "that" person who annoys you? Normally I'm thinking I'm that person but tonight it was another girl...let's call her "Jennifer". Our meeting was was scheduled from 6:00 -7:30 but thanks to Jennifer and her rants we were there until 8:00. Whenever she would finally stop talking I actually enjoyed everyone else's comments. I was hoping to hear more from them, but Jen the Jabber would not shut up. My cousin, Janissa, my friend, Tami, and I decided there needed to be a separate support group for sarcasm, which of course I could facilitate.

Anyway, my favorite part (other than have Janissa and Tami there) was when everyone talked about their Wow moments. Some favorites I heard:

"Brian" - Every day was WOW and he really enjoyed playing more with his kids

"Brad" - He doesn't have WOW moments he now has a WOW life

"Skinny Husband supporting his wife" - His WOW moment came when he had to write his letter of understanding as the support person for his wife. He said he had always struggled with weight, but his struggle was to gain it (and yes we all secretly hate him now). But he said he really had to put himself in her shoes and see the world through her eyes to understand what she was going through...oh I loved this man for getting it!

And of course my WOW moment - well it will be when I actually have a scheduled surgery date that sticks. What I am looking forward too...Jumping on a plane to London, sitting comfortably, and enjoying a visit with Chris, Caitriona and my precious nephew, Harry.

And the other thing I am most looking forward too and one of my top goals...

As soon as my blood pressure can be checked with the normal cuff and my cankles (when you cannot tell when your calves stop and your ankles start) are gone, I'm donning a sleeveless shirt, capri pants and the cutest sandals I can find...even if it is the middle of winter and there is snow on the ground!

Stress is Optional!

I had a wonderful opportunity today to participate in a Life Coaching seminar called Stress is Optional. It was fabulous and I learned several things about stress. I want to share a couple of things I took away from this seminar.

1. Stress is of course triggered by our thoughts about an event. The most important thing to remember is that the "event" is not emotional, our thoughts are. We cannot control it, only our reaction to it. Think of it this way:
Event = Traffic (something we cannot control)
Thoughts on Traffic = I hate being late. Why can't others drive better? Why won't those people go and get out of my way? (Notice how every thought was about me?)
Reaction = Honking, yelling, road rage

So to deal with the stress I'll have to retrain my brain to think differently about traffic. I don't have to like traffic; I just have to change my thoughts so my reaction isn't stressful.

2. Balance. There are four factors for living in balance. They are:
a) Physical – Body (Image, Fitness, Nutrition)
b) Psychological – Thoughts & Emotions (Fun & Recreation, Happiness, Learning)
c) Social – Environment & Relationships (Work, Environment, Relationships)
d) Spiritual – Soul (Higher Power, Growth & Investment, Life Purpose)

Imagine each of the items in parenthesis is a wheel on a car. If one is pumped up more than another, then your ride will be very bumpy. Rate them on a scale of 1 – 10 with 10 being the highest and most completely satisfied with that area of your life. If you’re like most people, some will be higher than others. This is what causes the bumpy ride. Work each day to improve the lower ones so you can get them all up high enough for a smooth ride.

It was a really great seminar and I wish I could share all of it with you, because we could all use a bit less stress.

Disappointment

Well, my surgery has officially been postponed. Don't know for how long. I see another psychologist Tuesday the 12th for a second opinion. Please pray this one goes smoothly. I'm completely depressed about the postponement as I was looking forward to being two months post-op by October when Chris, Caitriona and Harry go to Disney World. I really wanted to surprise them with less of me. Now I might not even have surgery by that date.

I need some positive energy and encouragement if anyone has a bible verse or something I can hold on to and not lose hope, please share.

Thank Goodness for Edward

Monday afternoon I met Edward. He's got a great personality, totally fit body, and he's easy on the eyes. Sadly he is married and perhaps a bit sadistic. He's my F.I.T. (Feel In Tune) Trainer and he did my evaluation and wrote me a prescription for exercise.

Seriously? Yes, I have a prescription for exercise. He's really not sadistic but some of the things he wanted me to do hurt. I'm sure it will get better over time like he says, but right now, it hurts. He was very cautious of my knee and back problems and has set me up with Therabands and exercises I can do to stretch and stengthen without putting additional pressure in these areas.

I loved working with him. I hope Matt will be home soon to exercise with me. Andrew doesn't care too. He'd like me to better at Call of Duty, that's not going to happen. Although Call of Duty would be easy on the back and knee, it requires skills of coordination I clearly don't posses.

I worked with Edward for 90 minutes on Monday and he told me to take Tuesday off. Good thing, since I could barely move anyway. I followed my prescription again on Wednesday, as instructed, and felt pretty good. Looking forward to seeing how quickly I can improve my ability to stretch. It will also be exciting to climb a flight of stairs without needing oxygen or a lung transplant.

Why I dislike Psychologists

Monday I had to met with the Psychologist to see if I am ready to make the lifestyle changes necessary to be successful after the surgery. I was scheduled for 3 hours of testing and then a 45 minute interview. I arrived as scheduled and began testing at 8:00 a.m.

There were a lot of questions like "Do you think someone is out to get you?", "Do you have conversations with people no one else sees?", etc. So it concerns me that crazy folks are obviously trying to be identified.

I decided I would be completely and brutally honest. The IQ tests were simple and I flew through them. The tests about emotions, what I eat and when, and what makes me angry were more difficult to answer simply because I had to admit those things.

Needless to say I finished the written exams in only 2 hours so by 10:00 a.m. I had moved on to the interview portion of the program. Just like Miss South Carolina, I blew it here. Again, I was totally and brutally honest. When asked why I was angry much of the time, I said because I am fat and disgusted that I let myself get this way. When asked what I thought triggered my eating I said boredom, depression, anxiety, and stress. So, with all his degrees behind him he said I was a binge eater with anger issues.

Well you could have knocked me over with a feather. Seriously? I mean really, did he think I got to be 400+ pounds because I was watching what I ate or managing it well. I felt like I was at a psychic reading and they were only telling me what I had already told them. And why am I angry? Cause I just paid you $45 for you to tell me what I already know!

So his recommendation is to delay surgery 3-6 months and enroll in additional counseling. He wanted to know how I could be so smart (scored well on the IQ tests) and realize I was unhappy and not already have sought counseling. I replied I was a single mother raising two boys, one who was in college, and had never received a penny of child support, so money was often tight and counseling didn't demand the same necessity as rent, car payments, utilities, etc.

He then wanted to go down the path of suggesting I ask for back child support and I declined saying this was not anything I wanted to pursue. And still he pressed to know why I didn't want to do that. Seriously? What does me getting back child support have to do with being able to emotionally and physically handle bariatric surgery?

I decided I didn't like him. And that was even before the dead fish handshake he gave at the conclusion of our interview.

Guess I'll have to wait and see if Dr. Richard goes with his recommendation and really reschedules my date.

The Decision

Well, I finally decided. Yep, I am going to have weight loss surgery. The decision wasn't easy but I have tried many other weight loss remedies only to have short term success. I need to find something that will give me lasting success. I'm creating this blog to detail my journey through the surgery.

I've already been to two seminars and had the initial consultation with the surgeon. There are still many things I have to do to qualify but it is tentatively set for August 25th, which would have been my mother's 66th birthday.

Monday, June 27th, I meet with a psychologist for an evaluation and another appointment for a fitness evaluation. Then Tuesday I have a nutrition consultation. There is much left to do and I am nervous about the upcoming changes, but excited about the possibilities of losing significant weight.

I've never been thin. Since I was ten years old I have been overweight, so it is all I know. It will be a true experience to be able to shop in a normal store, fly without discomfort, ride a roller coaster, and not worry that my kids are embarrassed to be seen with me.

I'm looking forward to sharing less of me with others!